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| Air conditioner hopping to keep cool |
WHEN IT'S SO HOT, YOU'RE GONNA DROP!
Global Warming has caused the weather to become so hot and humid that going outside is no longer reasonable. So rather than hide at home under the two air conditioners, a new plan is devised for going outside, called Air Conditioner Hopping.
Learn the tips and techniques to surviving a journey into hot Hell when Global Warming will become your worst nightmare!
— global warming: your worst nightmare —
THE ART OF HOPPING
Hopping will give your home air conditioners a needed rest when you go out. Your electric billing will also be slightly reduced. First, map out a plan to your final destination. Note, the final destination must be indoors where a good air conditioner is fully functional. Walking outside is limited to only a few hundred feet.
COOL DOWN YOUR BODY
Next, crank up all your air conditioners on high and absorb all the coolness in your body until you are cold to the touch. You may want to put ice packs in your clothes pockets and drink some ice water. Prepare your bag with ice packets and carry it under your arm pressed onto your body. This preparation will generally give you a maximum of 20 minutes outside before you "thaw out."
METABOLIC RATE & SEX
Lower your metabolic rate by having good satisfying sex, or the alternatives of doing one hour of Tai Chi, a half hour of exercise bike, or Yoga indoors. A lowered relaxed metabolism will result in a lower heart rate, blood pumping through the veins at a slower rate and this equates to a cooler human engine.
SHADE & ICE
Warning! Do not become overheated. There is a serious risk of heat stroke and even death. If you are caught in the open, find shade immediately. Use an umbrella when walking to shield from the sun. If you must walk outside any appreciable distance, hold two frozen water bottles or ice cubes. When the water is almost completely thawed out, you may drink the cold water.
ELIMATE HOT WATER
Do excrete your hot water at a local facility and continue to drink cold water.
ATTIRE
Shorts and tshirt may be worn. Special fabric shirts have air flow sections in the pockets, along the back and sides, under the arms. A bug lotion may be necessary when in shaded areas and during the evening hours.
GOING AIR TO AIR
Next, briskly walk to the nearest corner and catch the air conditioned taxi. Go straight to your air conditioned destination. Do not walk in between departure and destination. Note, you may hop from one air conditioned location to another.
GOOD HUNTING
Upon arrival, find the air conditioner vent and stand next to it. Some vents closer to the air conditioner are cooler so browse around for the best vent. You may have access to the source. If so, stand in front of the actual air conditioner.
DINING OUT
If you are eating in a restaurant, sit near or next to the air conditioner. The local patrons are very understanding when explaining you are overheated, and they may turn on the air conditioner for you, program it, increase the cooling, and aim the directional air fins directly on you. They may also find a fan for you, to your cool-down benefit.
STRANDED OUTSIDE
Should you become stranded outside for some reason, i.e. no available taxi, walk immediately to the nearest air conditioned store. Generally you may find a 711 store on every corner.
TOO HOT
If too hot and overheated, a friend will rub a coin on your back to release the heat. The science behind this voodoo is to open up the skin cells to circulate cooling air across the hot skin and transfer the heat away from the body.
NO AIR
Sometimes there is no air outside or inside, and sweating only makes you hotter, so use your tiny portable emergency electric fan or the larger manual paper Chinese fan until you reach destination. The larger the fan, the better. Yes, you can fan yourself when walking. (If you can chew gum and rub your tummy at the same time, then fanning while walking is a simple multi-task).
PORTABLE ELECTRIC FANS
The small electric fans run on two AA batteries and last only about 5 minutes. Switch to Lithium rechargeable batteries and this can increase fan time to 15 minutes. You can buy larger battery operated fans but they are not easy to carry around. They may be contained in a large bag with an extra set of batteries for maximum cooling.
FREEZER
When you reach the grocery store, pass by the air conditioner and go directly to the freezer food section where you can cool down more quickly. Some freezers are quite large and you may purposefully fit in though usually only partially so as not to draw attention to yourself. Do lean into the freezer and pretend to examine all the food. Take advantage of this.
FROZEN TIPS
As you walk along the freezer section, do place and drag your hands along the cold metal, glass, or feel the frozen food packages. Break off a chunk of ice or snow if possible and hold it. Do not eat it as it will be contaminated. Carry a small towel in your bag to dry yourself as necessary. Buy a bag of ice cubes and some water from the cooler.
EATING FOR A COOL BODY
Do not eat too much or your body will gain weight, retain more heat, and generate more heat due to more digestion. Certain beans can help keep the body cool. Eliminate fat from your body and diet. In hot climate countries, such as Taiwan, a special shirt fabric is invented that keeps the body cool. However, your size will need to be XXXS (very small!).
GLOBAL WARMING
You have no idea what humans are about to face. When the polar caps melt their ice, hot air will have no ice cooling mechanism, and the intensity of hot sunlight will no longer be reflected back into space. This will cause super heating of the Earth globally. Simply calorimetry thermal experiments show a minimum of +60 to +200 degree rise in temperatures with summertime peaks reaching and maintaining oven-like temperatures.
FUTURE
In the future, energy sources are required to cool the air with air conditioners and possible new sources of coolants. Space taps into the cold of outer space may be needed to survive using space program technology. Mixing chemicals and elements to create freeze material such as dry ice and liquid nitrogen may be needed to supply giant coolers. Some humans will find off-planet solutions (i.e. move to Mars). All of this will come at a price.
